Jennifer Wang
One of our readers feels betrayed by her boyfriend but isn’t sure whether she is making a big deal of it or whether she has reason to be upset. Here’s her email:
He does care. Otherwise why would he lie about it?
There is nothing wrong with feeling younger than your age and hanging out with younger people and dating younger people. But there is something very wrong with lying about it and it suggests that he is not as comfortable in his own skin as he would have you believe.
From: Maria Gutierrez, Writer
Is it the smartest thing he could do? No. But does it make him a horrible liar about other things? In this particular case I don’t think so. He could be perfectly honest about everything else in his life.
I agree with Maria.
My gut says this lie comes from age-related insecurity rather than him being a chronic liar or an otherwise bad person.
Chantee, think of it this way: We all know women stress out about weight. So, if you were self conscious about your weight — even when other people called you skinny — and someone asked you how much you weighed, you might feel self conscious about the question. You might fudge, or lie, or say some number you think you could get away with. Or you might not.
But this guy probably feels really shitty about turning 40 soon … perhaps he thinks girls your age won’t be interested in him anymore, or that at any moment he’s going to become undesirable to women. And so he’s lying to compensate.
Is it the smartest thing he could do? No. But does it make him a horrible liar about other things? In this particular case I don’t think so. He could be perfectly honest about everything else in his life.
I say this as someone who is admittedly irrationally self-conscious about my age. And I’m also not making a judgement whether or not this is a bad thing in his case. It’s up to Chantee. i’m just trying to shed some light on why he’s doing this and explain that it might come from a very insecure place. And that a lot of us have lied about things we’re insecure about in the past.
From: Jessica Rodriguez, Editor
He lied to you TWICE about something that doesn’t really matter… What happens if he “feels” the same way about something else
He lied to you TWICE about something that doesn’t really matter… What happens if he “feels” the same way about something else and chooses to lie to everyone (or just you) about it? He didn’t “feel” like flirting with that girl was cheating, so he lied to you about it. He didn’t “feel” like that job was worth keeping so he quit and didn’t tell you.
He didn’t “feel” like that credit card debt was a big deal, so he kept that from you… It’s only been two months and he’s actively lying to you about things… I don’t care how great everything else is, this would be a deal breaker for me at this point. Age isn’t something that’s left up to interpretation… He feels younger than he is, and that’s fine, he can be a “young” 39, he doesn’t need to outright lie about it.
My husband deals with this professionally, he just turned 30 this year, but looks much older (he has a full beard which hides a lot of his features – most people have thought he was mid-late 30’s for the last 5-7 yrs, he could even pass for a youthful 40 if he wanted). He’s a manager and part owner at his company and thus typically holds a role of authority, often with people older than he is and some with more experience.
Whenever his age comes up, he makes a joke out of it saying something like “Oh, I can never remember… 47? 92? My wife tells me I act like a 12 yr old still… I certainly don’t remember such details!” He does this purely because he doesn’t want his age to impact client or employee relations (although the older he gets the less this matters) but he’s never outright lied about it – he just deflects the question, and if someone does just come out and ask him, he’s honest with them (his bosses, the majority owners, of course know exactly how old he is).
From: Barbara Smith, Graphic Designer
