Chelsea Johnson
His brow furrowed. “I thought you looked great at the wedding.”
He wasn’t referring to the way I maneuvered the dance floor, or the delicate vulnerability with which I gave my maid of honor toast. He was talking about my weight after I specifically expressed concern about it.
Five years ago, I was thrust into a 9-month long depressive episode. In a matter of several weeks, I unintentionally lost 15 pounds right before my mother’s second wedding. Already svelte, this episode left me swimming in my clothes. I wobbled when I walked — not just when I was in heels — and had word retrieval problems due to my depleted energy levels. Food repulsed me and sleep escaped me.
But on the outside, I was thin and smiley. What more could the world ask for?
This person’s comment, intended as a compliment, has stuck with me for years, even after I’ve recovered from depression. I know him well enough to be certain he didn’t mean any harm. As a society, we are conditioned to place value on looks and physique. Regardless, being reinforced for weight loss that happened at the expense of my mental, physical, and emotional well-being just felt…icky.
When we unwittingly comment on our neighbor’s apparent weight loss, we may be calling attention to a painful yet invisible underlying cause, such as:
- An eating disorder or body dysmorphia.
- A medical issue (i.e. hypothyroidism, cancer, GI distress).
- Antidepressants or other medication or treatment.
- Anxiety, depression, or another mental health struggle.
- A person may look pristine on the outside and be fighting the battle of their life on the inside. Health and mental health problems do not discriminate.
For these reasons, I’m proposing a shift in language — and attention — from the physical to the emotional. Here are some other ways to call attention to someone in positive ways that have nothing to do with their body.
“You are glowing today.”
Tell them something simple, classy, and guaranteed to put an even bigger smile on their face. You’d be commenting on their energy and their spirit, which is a hell of a lot more important than the way their jeans fit or the baby weight they’ve lost.
“I love your ability to….”
Point out something unique to their personality, a quality that makes them who they are. Whether it’s a passion for Star Trek or their knack for 90s pop-rock trivia, let them know they are seen and bring something special to the table.
“It’s great to hear you talk about your passions.”
Admiration can extend far past toned calves or defined biceps. People often consider their work, whether it’s creative or professional, to be an extension of themselves, so bringing that to the forefront is a surefire way to warm someone’s heart.
“I appreciate hearing your point of view.”
When people feel heard, they feel safe, even if the other party doesn’t necessarily agree with their side. Welcoming a different viewpoint is an easy way to connect while engaging their intellect as opposed to their physical appearance.
“It makes me happy to see you happy.”
Happiness doesn’t have to be associated with a number. It doesn’t have to equal what your scale says, how many calories you consumed, or your dress size. It comes with an acceptance and embracing of who you are, as you are — and for someone else to recognize that only doubles the joy.
“I love that you shared that with me.”
A simple yet powerful way to verbalize you feel connected with someone on an emotional level. It’s content-focused, so you’re showing you’re more engaged with their story than you are with their body.
“Your smile is so contagious.”
I realize our smiles technically are a part of our bodies but come on — is there anything better than putting a smile on someone else’s face with your own?! The universality of smiling is an important connector, not just across cultures but between people.
People carry more than their weight. We carry hopes, dreams, insights, disappointments, memories, regrets, and plans for the future. It’s time we start appreciating each other’s spirits more than the physical vessels in which they present themselves.
