Alice Brown
Body positivity is not a monolithic movement
At its core, body positivity’s mission is to spread the message that people can have a positive body image without needing the approval of their society and culture.
The implementation of body positivity as a movement, however, is complicated, to say the least. I certainly don’t agree with some of the messaging that its leaders present.
That said, my personal implementation of developing a positive body image is simply not possible without self-accountability.
My fundamental relationship with food was still dysfunctional. It just manifested differently.
Food journaling made me face my lifestyle choices
Before I go any further, I do not have any medical conditions that make weight loss extremely challenging. I am only speaking to my own experiences, and none of what I say has the motive of discrediting others.
I first began reflecting on my food consumption through food journaling, and it was a huge wake-up call.
When I actually kept track of how many calories I regularly consumed, I went from innocently wondering how I was gaining so much weight to applauding my metabolism for working really hard, apparently.
The numbers showed me that the math checks out. I was eating enough to be the weight I was. The universe wasn’t just toying with me.
It also made me realize that I had switched from a mindset of self-depriving anorexia to self-enabling. My fundamental relationship with food was still dysfunctional. It just manifested differently.
Due to the way I had historically shamed myself for eating a normal amount of food, I bounced to the other extreme to save myself from the horrible feeling of letting myself down.
I refused to take a hard look at my diet and hold myself accountable in a healthy way.
Now, I ask myself if I’m making food choices to assuage negative emotions or because I really want to put that food in my body.
Accountability and shame are very different
Shame is often the result of having an external locus of control. When the voices of others were louder than my own voice, I was more prone to experiencing that sinking terror in my stomach I learned to call shame.
It would get so overwhelming that owning up to my failures was precluded. I was already drowning in them. I felt powerless, so I stopped eating to feel powerful. Years later, I still felt powerless, but this time I ate to avoid dealing with the difficult journey toward empowerment.
My relationship with self-accountability is relatively new. What I’ve learned is that accountability is consensual. I have set certain expectations for myself.
When I don’t meet a goal, instead of being consumed by negativity, I try to understand the “why” of the situation.
Do my goals need to change or do my habits need adjustments?
Food journaling is what you make it
I could certainly use it to punish myself if I wanted to, but I’ve decided not to.
That choice makes all the difference.
I instead used it to develop a quantitative and qualitative understanding of what I put into my body. It’s not just about the calories. In the process, I learned what food items make me feel lethargic or exacerbate my chronic pain as opposed to the ones that keep my energy up throughout the day.
By documenting what I consumed, I learned to prioritize getting the nutritional content my body needs.
Now, I ask myself if I’m making food choices to assuage negative emotions or because I really want to put that food in my body.
I prepare my own food more often
Food prepping and cooking at home help make nutritional choices more accessible. Many of us have busy lives, so we end up eating what’s convenient. I’m no exception to this.
However, food is something that brings me great joy. I’m not going to settle for tasteless mush.
I’ve seen those sad plastic containers that some die-hard fitness junkies fill with bland chicken, dehydrated celery, dry quinoa, etc. These images made me very averse to food prepping until I realized that I don’t have to do it the same way that others do.
Look, I need my food to taste good. I’m willing to work on portion and calorie control, but not by any means necessary. Not again.
Through experimentation, I’ve learned tasty new recipes.
I recently prepared Chicken Tikka Masala with cauliflower rice for the week’s lunches. The whole meal was about 480 calories, and I didn’t have to deprive my taste buds in the least bit.
In Closing
I, my body, and my relationship with food are all still a work in progress, and maybe they always will be.
I have no aspirations to be a size zero. I just want to feel happy and healthy existing in the place I live in 100% of the time.
